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Monday, November 30, 2015

Bisexuality


You know, I've been sleeping way too little this weekend. Not for any specific reason. I just kinda didn't go to sleep one of the nights. I did take a long nap earlier today, but my lack of sleep is still responsible for me having a headache right now. But I don't have time to go to sleep right now, as it's 6am, and my school starts in some 4 hours (EDIT: damn this took a long time, as there was so much grammar to check). So I took a headache relieving pill instead. But not to worry! I will definitely go to sleep after school, and I have nothing I have to do on the next day. So I'll have time to readjust my sleeping schedule with ease.

Alrighty then. The topic of today's (tonight's) blog entry is one that I've been meaning to write about for some time. I was supposed to write about it last month, but I was too lazy and procrastinated for too long, so it was pushed over to this month instead. And now, it's already the final day of this month. Time sure is flying by, huh? So much I want to do, but so little time to do it. I know that me speaking about the lack of time is a recurring theme in my blog, so it might get tiresome. But then again, it's also a recurring thing in life, so I think that most people can relate.

I made a sudden decision to write this post a bit differently than I had earlier planned, today. For quite some time, I had planned to write about things such as the myths revolving around bisexuality, as well as the scientific research that has been done, etc.
Because there are several myths floating around for sure, and there have also been some interesting studies made. But I decided for a few reasons to write things from a bit of a different perspective.
To begin with, I figured that most of you people that are actually reading this, aren't really in any urgent need of a briefing on what bisexuality is, and all the information there is about it. I feel like most of you already are sensible people, who can already think for yourselves around the matter, and reach logical conclusions. Another reason, is that I simply don't think it would be super interesting to most people, as factual information is really only relevant to people that already care about the topic to begin with, or to the ones that are confused (hehheh) about what bisexuality actually is about. Which I don't imagine that you are. But please, be my guest and ask anything you want about the topic, and I'll make sure to answer it according to the best of my ability. Afterall, most questions will be really easy for me to answer accurately, as I myself, am indeed bisexual.

As I am bisexual, I figured that I would share some of my own thoughts and experiences instead. Some of you might find it interesting. I at least, like opportunities where I get to look into the lives of other people. One of the problems is that I don't really know what specifically to write about, or in what order. So I guess I'm just going to let this entry be a bit of a flow of thoughts.

Personally, I have known about my sexuality for as long as I can remember; even before I knew of a label I could use to define my sexuality, which I think was in the third grade (of our equivalent to elementary school). I know that most people probably don't really figure their sexuality out fully, before they hit puberty. In fact, it may sound weird to some that that is even possible, as so many changes happen in people during puberty, especially regarding sexuality, and how it expresses itself. But for me, only the latter of those two really developed.
Btw, in case it hadn't occurred to you yet, this will be an entry that could be interpreted as "oversharing", as I'm not really afraid to present myself like I am. Read with own discretion.

Backing up a bit, I guess I never really saw the big difference between "girls" and "boys". I mean, I got the logical and easy to see parts. "Girls are more prone to behaving like this (which btw, to a certain extent is cultural)", and "boys (usually) have a penis", and the list goes on forever, I guess. I was never confused about that part. But what I didn't really get, was why people tended to (and still tend to) view people from the different sexes so differently, based on their sex (in my experience).
Actually, I guess I partly got that too. I was never really oblivious, nor stupid. But I didn't really feel it in the same way.
I think that as children, many people don't see the big deal, regardless of sexuality. I'm sure that some of you can remember playing with the girls and boys in daycare, without ever giving any room for the thought "they are girls, and I am a boy", or if you are a girl reading, "they are boys and I am a girl". There isn't necessarily a need for that thought when you are a child, playing a game. And the social distinctions between women and men don't really hit you when you're that young, for most people.

No. Of course, we will always see and know the difference. In later years, say your first years of school, you might notice the difference between how the sexes are treated and how they act more, and especially in high school, the differences will become more clear. Generally, women tend to enter puberty earlier than men too, which is where a certain divide might happen for a short while. And of course, it is very true, the sexes are different on certain levels. I think that I know that better than most people. I also know that I should probably get to my point soon too, as I have barely even started, and there's already a lot of text on display for you.
I don't know how universal this is, but generally, there is this weird rule that men have to take off their hats in Church here, while women can keep them. This is a tradition that my teacher at the time was sure to remind me of, more than once, when I wanted to keep my cap on, but wasn't allowed to, while I meanwhile noticed that the girls got to keep their headwear. I didn't understand the need to make such an exception in the rule. At the time, I felt unfairly treated. Now, I just think it's silly. Of course, I rarely ever visit church anymore, as I've never really been religious.

How does this at all relate to bisexuality, you might ask? It doesn't necessarily have to do so, as many heterosexual people have similar experiences. But I feel like it is relevant to me; for how I've known about my sexuality for a long time. Nowadays, I know the history behind why women and men are treated differently, I know about the cultural factors, and I have a deeper understanding of the impact made by the biological differences. But obviously, at the time I didn't know "why" things were like they were.

Now, I'll draw a parallel to another story (quite literally), and you'll probably understand why my line of thinking at the time was relevant.
You know all of those old tales, where the princess and the prince, or the guy and the girl live happily forever after in the end? As a kid (and still, as an adult), I enjoyed stories. But similarly to how I viewed the difference in how women and men are treated, I didn't ever really understand why it was always a man, and a woman that lived happily ever after in the stories. I knew that it was pretty much always the case. But no one had ever really talked to me about sexuality and relationships (which isn't surprising, as I was 5 years old), so I guess you could say I was confused about why that was the case.

I can't say for sure that my next memory is accurate, as we humans have a tendency to create altered memories, especially if the memory is not vivid, and pretty old. But I feel like I at some point did ask one of the daycare ladies about why it was always a prince and a princess that lived happily ever after. Now, I do not remember the reply I got, which makes me suspect that this memory, might not be entirely true. Sometimes, it's difficult to tell. A bit like it can be difficult to accurately recall a dream you had a few nights ago, unless it was vivid. Either way, I know that I myself, inspired by the stories, also liked to draw princes and princesses (very ugly drawings, I can tell you; I don't have time to dig any up right now, but if I remember, I can try to post one at a later point, on another post). It's a bit of a shame that I never drew a prince and a prince, or a princess and a princess (not that I can recall at least). There you see the impact that the society around you has on you, starting at an early age.

I wish I knew how much of sexuality we are born with, and how much impact our surroundings have on it. What scientist currently know, is that it's likely a bit of both. I know that I personally liked to play with barbies (with my sister, whom I always annoyed and wanted to play with as a younger brother). I have no idea whether they would've interested me had I been an only child. But similarly, I also played with cars and action figures. And I built with legos, played BRIO's hammer game, etc. Point being, having a sister allowed me to play with all of her toys too (don't you even dare misinterpret that), and I can be thankful for the fact that my parents let me play with whatever I wanted. Even very violent video games and such, until they decided I was like to get addicted to gaming at a very young age. You may be wondering if I am writing my life story here, as everything seems so disconnected and irrelevant. Which is fine. But I warned you in the beginning; I will write this as a flow of thoughts in whatever order I want to. I think it'll get more interesting soon though.

I honestly don't know how much impact your toys and your behavior as a child has on your eventual sexuality. But I do believe that there is at least some correlation.

Here's the final thing from my early childhood though. I always had friends of both genders, which is a privilege I know some of my friends didn't have. I have never really been shy or awkward around the opposite sex, nor the same one, probably partly because of this. But I also know that I had certain friends (of both genders) whom I thought were really cool at the time, and I looked up to. And looking up to someone, is really the closest I ever came to anything related to my sexuality while still in daycare.
However, there was a certain distinction between the friends I had at the time. I have always been lucky enough to have a huge pool of friends. But some, naturally, I viewed as better friends than others. And this is relevant.

When it comes to human relationships, friendship and romance only has a very limited set of differences from each other. The potential infatuation is one of them, as is usually the desire for the other person in a sexual sense (though technically, both of those can be present in "normal" friendships too, though that is more rare). In the end, being "together" with someone, is partly a status thing, an announcement of kinds. While it is also a difference in how your relationship will play out compared to a friendship, of course. But I'd like to go back to the biology of these things. What is really the huge difference? It's the specific hormones at play, to the most part. But the empathy, and the togetherness that is shared, probably became a strong trait in us humans because it allows us to coexist next to each other, and even more so, help each other out. From an "objective" standpoint, relationships aren't too different from friendships. Which one you value more is also relative: "bros before hoes, man!". There are also fun terms, such as "Bromance". Which I don't think is entirely wrong.

The relativity of sexuality in general, becomes interesting when we compare ancient Rome and Greece, to the Middle Ages, and finally, to the current time. The apparent percentage of LGBTQ+ people, and their level of acceptance in society seems to change based on time and place. Whether that's because people are hiding their feelings, unaware of them, or really were brought up to not get certain feelings in the first place, we can speculate about. I'm sure it's a mixture of all of them. Now where was I going?

Friendships don't have to be viewed as being super different than romantic relationships. As I mentioned, there are different levels of friendships. And when you reach a very high level of friendship and intimacy with someone, you might get what I mean better. And I'm talking about heterosexual, same sexed people now. Aside from the sex and the infatuation (aka, hormones), very little is different from a relationship. I have of course, mostly been using the word "relationship" during this entry, in the terms of an actual romantic/sexual relationship, even if it can mean relationships of any kind, usually. To avoid confusion.

Point is. As I am and have as long as I can remember (probably always, to some extent) been bisexual, I don't really have any of the walls to what gender I could potentially enter in a relationship with. And this is what was always clear to me, from a very young age. All those other memories and points I brought up, really only relate to the same way of thinking, and why I've always felt like I do. In theory, I could identify as pansexual too (there are certain differences, but whatever; there are as many sexual labels as there are metal genres). But "bisexual" is the first of the ones i heard that fit me, and I've rolled with it since.

I just noticed that my headache is now gone. Nice!

Most of what I've written so far have been different thoughts I've had very early in my life, and how I knew about my sexuality way before puberty. But the most compelling example, is of course, that I already occasionally had dreams and fantasies of sexual nature, to certain extents, at the age of 8-9 years old, which actually isn't very rare, but naturally, in a more curious and primitive sense than fantasies may play out at an older and more understanding age (you might've had some at that age too). Whether it's natural at that age already, or if it's because of the media we consume doesn't really matter. But the interesting thing is of course that even at that age, the fantasies and dreams featured people of both the same, and the opposite sex, for me. Often both in the same fantasy/dream.

So after countless paragraphs, I've explained what my own experiences of my bisexuality has been very early in my life, and before puberty. That is easily the most boring part of this entry. The more interesting part, starts when I go to high school, aka, when I reached the age of puberty.
As I mentioned, my sexual identity wasn't really altered much at all due to puberty. But how I expressed it, was altered for sure. I'll preface this section by saying that I did have a minor crush on a girl that was in my class, still in the equivalent of elementary school here in Finland. But not many months after high school, I developed a huge crush on one of the boys in my class. The crush I had earlier didn't even compare. Probably because it was pre-puberty, and the necessary hormones couldn't really be active at the time.

Naturally, the crush I had in high school, was a bit of a hopeless one. Some of my friends know who I had a crush on, but I feel like as it involves other people, I won't be sharing the details. Let's just say that the crush was an unrealistic one, and that I knew it was hopless even at the time, for several reasons. None of them were really related to the fact that I was technically in the closet at the time either.

But the most annoying thing by far, was that the crush stuck around for years. My young teenage hormones were really persistent, I guess. Anyway, I just told you this to show as confirmation that yes, I am indeed still bisexual even during and after puberty, and aware of it. I am lucky to never really have been "confused" about anything concerning me. Ironically, some people still believe that bisexuals are just "confused". To be fair, there are some gay people who use bisexuality as a stepping stone, when coming out of the closet, because that may feel safer to them at the time. Unfortunately, it takes a bit away from the credibility of people claiming to be bisexual. But as I said earlier, I suspect that you readers are not confused about the existance of bisexuality in both women, men (whatever gender), and in nature too.

It's pretty ironic that I was really relieved when I finally realized that my crush was forever over. While now, I haven't had a crush on anyone in years. I do find certain people attractive, yes. But I haven't experienced infatuation for a long time. But most of that, is because I've been busy doing other stuff. I believe that once I begin to chill a bit more when it comes to always working on projects and other stuff (which is already happening), I'll be able to seek out relationships more actively. I kinda skipped that part of finding a partner in high school and the gymnasium. You know what they say: Intelligent people seek out sexual relationships later in life on avarage, hehhe (a joke; relax).

But yeah, for a long while, I told myself that I wouldn't seek out any relationship before I had completed my time in the army. And based on the amount of breakups I heard occurred during our involuntary army service, that decision might not have been as stupid as it might seem.
But that's of course only a minor reason. The main reason is that simply, I haven't been interested in anyone, for a long time. And the rare occasion where I have had some interest, they were already "occupied" :p

I have this very annoying dilemma, you know. Different bisexual people have different preferences. Some may be right in the middle, some may be more drawn to men, and some more to women. Just like heterosexual, and gay people, have different preferences too. This is probably as obvious to all of you, as it is to me. But I fall on a very annoying part of that spectrum:
I find myself usually being more physically attracted to women in general, while I find it easier to be romantically attracted to men. That is to say that not only is the pool of men that are not heterosexual pretty small to begin with, but I don't find most men all too attractive in general. On the opposite side, I find more women physically appealing, but only a few of them have several traits that I'd be romantically interested in. And I am a very emotional person. Not meaning that I cry a lot or something like that, but rather that I like to think a lot, both introspectively, and on the social spectrum. Even if I feel that someone is indeed physically attractive, I wouldn't have sex with them if I didn't like their personality; that feels pointless to me.
Ultimately, what this means for me, is that on both the male and the female side, my standards are pretty much "too high".
That said, I've been feeling myself letting go a bit of this thought. It is still true, initially, but I am more open to different kinds of people than I've been earlier in my life, now. I think that humans are wired to some extent, to find people more attractive, when they are "open" themselves. After all, nature has worked out for quite some time. We'll see what happens with this later in my life. And remember, I warned you that I'd be oversharing, so it's your own fault if your read this despite not really wanting to.



Let's talk about coming out (of the closet) now. I want to make one thing clear to you. This blog post is not me "coming out". You may view it as such if you wish, it doesn't really matter. But that's not really why I'm writing it. I mostly want a place to go back to look at my own thoughts, which is why I'm writing this in such an odd and pretty loose form.
No, I've been out for quite some time. And still, some of you readers may not have known that I am bisexual. I'll tell you about my views, of coming out, from my experience.

I'm a pretty silly person. I've never been afraid that I'd be judged for my sexuality. I could talk over pretty much anyone who had an objection to it, and come out on top (hehhe). And it was a very long time ago that I last had feelings of insecurity. And I've never had any deep rooted fear of what other people think of me. I think this is to a huge extent, because I've always had very great and supporting friends, and well as a nice family I know that wouldn't judge me. But I still almost never come out. It's because of the same feeling I had about the differences between "boys and girls" when I was younger. I've never really seen why the fact that I am bisexual, would matter that much to anyone, unless it's currently relevant. It really isn't that big a deal to me, especially not in the age that I am now, with many of my friends already knowing about my sexuality. I am lucky to be born in a place where there is very little social repercussion to coming out, compared to many other places.

No, the reason I dislike coming out, is for the same reason that I HATE giving random phonecalls. I hate calling strangers, and even to some people I know, asking for information, or telling them stuff etc. (In fact, I have to make a phonecall soon). It's because the situation feels so unnatural and weird to me, I guess. I am fully aware of why I need to do it, but it feels weird. And this is how it affects coming out:

It's never a good icebreaker. "Hey dude, btw, I'm bisexual".  On the other hand, if someone asks about my sexuality, or if the topic is otherwise relevant in a discussion, it's the easiest thing in the world for me to talk truthfully. Like when writing this post, for example.
Actually, I'm fairly sure that not even my parents know about the fact that I am bisexual. I guess they'll find out if they ask, or if I ever bring home a boyfriend. Because in that case, it's relevant. But it's just not really a normal discussion, you know?

I also know my mom would react by believing I've "hidden it" all these years, from some kind of a fear of being judged. And that kind of a reaction would feel out of place for me, because despite it might not look it, I am a very happy person, in general. I am almost never sad, and I always have something to do or aspire to.

So really, my whole thoughts on the "coming out" is that it feels so weird to me. Heterosexuals don't come out, right? No. I understand it is because it's a minority, and people might not expect you to be, so you kinda announce it. And it's invisible (in most cases). It's not like black people have to come out saying "I'm black" (applicable to all races). Because that, if anything, would be weird. But unless you're very flagrantly gay, or show your sexuality through other actions, it will not be known to other people. There, comes the reason to come out. It's the culture around us that makes it necessary. So I've done it occasionally. But if I could, I wouldn't hesitate to flip a switch that would just make the entire world know, without making a big deal out of it.

And that is really it. The making "a big deal out of". I don't need that in my life. I'd like to be appreciated for who I am, rather than what I am, to a certain extent, I guess. And I am too, which is nice. I'm just trying to explain why I personally don't come out often. It's not because I fear you or anyone else will judge me, so don't take it personally if you've known me even for a long while, without knowing. I do trust you in that case, so there's no  reason to be offended if I haven't come out to you. One of my best friends (I think) doesn't know that I'm bisexual, though I haven't precisely hidden it.

But as I said, sometimes, "coming out" is a necessary evil. So I've done it a few times. The first time was actually at a pretty late age (I think I was 17?). The reason I hadn't really told anyone earlier, is the same reason I mentioned above. Although I have very good friends, most of my frindships haven't been based around random and very bad ice breakers like that. So what I'd usually do, is that I'd set up some kind of a scenario where the topic was introduced by either me, or I'd play my cards so that the person I planned on coming out to "reached the topic by himself/herself". Because like I said, I have an easy time telling people I'm bisexual if it's relevant. Just a personal weird thing I have, I guess. If I have to choose though, I'd rather come out, out of nowhere, than I would make a random phonecall to a stranger. You are right. I am the embodiment of laziness, and unvilling to do anything that could be interpreted as a nuisance.

Actually, I just remembered that the first time I came out as bisexual, was during a tandem bicycle ride. Funny stuff. I've also come out at my cabin, as well as in a bar setting. Also, one morning I just randomly on a whim decided that my sister should know, so I just went and told her, and that was really it. All my "outcomings" have been painless experiences, with little consequence, even of the "nuisance" kind.

And of course, I have nothing against people asking me questions. I'll gladly answer them truthfully. What I don't like, is when people make assumptions that misrepresent me, without any real reason. Luckily, that hasn't happened. But I've heard many stories that are not too pretty. Assupmtions could be of such nature as assuming that the fact that I'm bisexual also means I must be going through some kind of emotional turmoil because of it, as I'm sure many people of older generations would think. Which is why I really haven't come out to anyone not near my age. There is really no need :/

I want you to remember that these are all my subjective experiences. There are many people who feel differently, and are entitled to it. I also realize that coming out publicly can be good for cultural reasons, to bring minorities out of the shadows and such. Maybe I would do that if I lived in a less accepting place. But as I said, in my hometown of Vasa, in the Swedish speaking community, I don't think that there is really any relevant homo/biphobia at all. Only in certain smaller communities, and I don't really care much for them.

Speaking of assumptions, I also went to the army, as I mentioned earlier. My bisexuality wasn't in any way relevant to the experinece there. It was shit, and all the same amount of shit. The reason I mention this, is because a person told me he pities the gays in the army. "Because what if they get a boner in the shower". I mean, seriously?

Maybe that would be relevant if that was the high school locker room (not that I ever got a boner in the shower there either, depsite my crush showering too, for reasons I'm about to explain).

To begin with, the army isn't the sexiest place around. All people are pretty depressed, and some become mean. The showers in general, are pretty platonic places, where you wash yourself. Remember, it's not a U.S. prison, it's the Finnish army. Where homophobia exists to a certain extent, btw. That would be a good reason to "pity the gays".
Pretty much everyone has shaved heads, and you only really shower there because you have to. And you can often pick the time when you go there. So even if you were attracted to anyone there despite all factors making it difficult, you could just shower at a different time than said person. Worth to remember, is that being gay, doesn't mean that such a person is attracted to all men. If you showered with your grandmother, as a heterosexual, would you get a boner? Probably not.
Then you might say that if you showered with say 10 women, of your age, you couldn't help but to get a boner. That may or may not be true. But you also have to think that most people have showered with people of the same gender throughout their lives. In school, through sports, with friends, whatever. If you'd have done the same with random girls/women throughout your life, chances are you wouldn't get that boner.

But even if you or some random gay person did get such a boner, it wouldn't really matter. Now you weren't there, so you probably don't see why I'm going on about this. But this person said it with quite an amount of seriousness, right out of nowhere, like he would've thought about it for a while, and really figured that the gays in the army must live through hell. My problem with that, is that the thought aspires to define people through their sexuality, and not through who they are. There are gay men and straight women who've been through the army, and managed it just as well as any straight man. That said, I don't really care much for what people achieved during the army. I dislike that place from the depth of my heart, for all that it stands for.

Back to bisexuality. I feel like this random rant took a pretty weird direction, but that's all right. At least I managed to write something long, and probably confusing, which pretty much defines my entire blog.

Even though there's a lot more I could write, I think that's really it for now. If you know me in real life, I want to once again, make sure that you understand that my bisexuality is not a secret that has to be kept, it's just that I rarely tell people. So if you feel like gossiping with someone about it, please go ahead; you'd be doing my job for me. As I said, if I could flip a switch that would make everyone know, I'd do it, because it's simple and easy, and requires little effort on my part.

Also, as a final note, if any of my male acquaintances are reading this, you probably don't have to be any more scared than any woman should that I like you as more than a friend. It's very unlikely, given that I don't really like anyone to a large extent right now. And I also, don't really get attracted to my friends. Despite me saying that the difference doesn't have to be huge, it's there for me too. My friends are my friends, and usually, stay as friends in my mind as well. I know that that's something that shouldn't really need to be said, but I figured, why not?

So that brings to and end one of my weirder and longer, and most personal, as well as introspective posts. I'm sure it was actually a pretty boring read in general. But at least it was about something I felt I could easily write a long text about, which means that it belongs on this blog. I might write about sexualites in a broader and more cultural and scientific sense at some later point, as I for some mysterious reason happen to know a lot about the subject. I also didn't even manage to fill this post with a lot of the things I could've talked about, as school is about to start in 1,5 hours, and I need to take a shower and such.

Now, as always, it's time to plug my Newgrounds account. I currently have 299 fans over there. I had 300 for a while, but someone unfanned XD
Which is good, because I'll need to do something special, and write a short "thank you" update post when 300 is reached, which i suspect will be rather soon. I actually haven't really made too much cool music lately. I've worked on a horror project with another content creator, and written some short and silly tracks.

But Black Friday was 3 days ago, so I bought myself a good percussion library, and made a short 32 second loop in 1,5 hours. You'll probably easily be able to hear the difference in quality compared to my earlier tracks, even if I didn't even mix it properly!
Take a listen:




Pretty neat stuff, right? When I get more free time, I'll probably compose something bigger, making use of a small portion of the 80 freaking GB huge percussion library :D

I'll probably just write one more post this year, to complete a cycle of one post per month. The next year, I think I'll write whenever I want, not caring what month or day or week it is, instead.

I hope that you weren't super bored, if you managed to read your way through all this. After all, at pretty much exactly 6000 words according to an online word counter, it appears to be my longest post thus far. I mean, naturally, when I noticed I was at 5900 something, I decided to fill the rest of the spots up to reach such a number. 6666 would've been really nice too though (hopefully, editing will not affect this). The time sure flew by... If only I could write my school assignments as easily (though often, I guess I can).

Until next time, have a good one!!!